The Deep End

Our kids can teach us so much about God’s love and our relationship with him. Sometimes I see life situations and how God’s trying to provide encouragement and direction more clearly when I’m trying to parent my own child through his struggles and fears.

This week my 7-year-old had swim lessons. As the week progressed, he grew more and more distressed at the thought of jumping into the water. Especially the deep end. The lesson only lasted 45 minutes, but he would worry and wallow for the 2 hours leading up to the lesson. My husband and I tried talking him through some things. Breathing to manage anxiety. Reasoning to calm fears. Praying for peace. Memorizing “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Redirecting him with helpful chores. Nothing seemed to work. He was stuck in a loop of fearful thoughts in his mind, like a carousel going round and round with no end.

I thought about it logically, knowing what I know about the pool. Knowing that his instructors were there right beside him. These things didn’t calm him. He couldn’t voice what exactly he was scared about, what could possibly go wrong. He just didn’t like it, didn’t want to do it, didn’t like how the water felt in his face, didn’t want to subject himself to feeling uncomfortable. Why doesn’t he get it? I kept pondering – not out of frustration as times in the past, but out of genuine love, wanting to help him see that there was truly nothing to be afraid of.

When I realized nothing was pulling him from the loop of anxious thoughts, I cranked up the worship music to divert and drown out negativity. No more talking about the pool or the thoughts swirling in his mind. After an hour it was time to go and he still didn’t seem calm. I suppose at least I can be calm for him, I reasoned. After all – when I’m in those “swirling” thoughts of anxiety, what pulls me out? Someone simply telling me not to worry, someone reasoning with me? Not usually. Often, it is getting quiet and alone with God, listening to music, worshipping and praying.

I thought of how God must think of me when I’m scared to do something. Something (a certain thing) He’s told me to do but I overthink it or am to scared of the unknown. The deep end – how deep is it compared to me, how far above my head? Will it hurt, will I get lost down there? Will anyone really help me if I go under, will I come back up? All these questions make me just want to avoid doing that thing. If I don’t do it, I won’t fail or get hurt. People won’t see me fail or get hurt. People won’t laugh at me, I won’t be a failure. Right?

As I watched my son struggle with this mental battle of fear and anxiety, I wondered what God thinks of me when I do that. How I shut out His reason and His words of peace over a situation. When I’m staring at “the deep end” of something and can only fix my eyes on what I have to do, instead of the realization that I can’t go under because 1) it doesn’t matter how big/capable I am - God is bigger than the deep end, and 2) He’s not asking me to do something that will harm me. It might be uncomfortable. I might look ridiculous doing it. But so what?

There’s a line from a favorite children’s book of ours “You can’t find the fun if you’re afraid of the scary.” We can’t press onto victory in Christ if we’re too afraid to press forward and obey him. To feel uncomfortable. Because that’s where the growth is. That’s where real life is. Not standing on the sidelines watching people swim and jump in the deep end, but braving our fears and jumping in with them.

So here it goes, I’m jumping in.